


It's Been So Long

by petzawentz



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Gen, Phone Calls, Reconciliation, addiction mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 18:37:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4971946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petzawentz/pseuds/petzawentz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Really, Spencer has no idea why he's doing this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Been So Long

Really, Spencer has no idea why he’s doing this.

Neither him or Brendon have spoken to Ryan in…….

Well. Awhile.

So he has no reasonable explanation for why he’s sitting in his kitchen at four A.M., staring at the phone in his hand, piece of paper with a number on it -that he knows is Ryan’s, because he asked Gabe, and as much as Gabe can be an asshole sometimes, he’d just raised his eyebrows, then wrote the number down and handed it to him, his only comment being “don’t be a dick”- on the table in front of him.

He sits and stares at the number for another five minutes, chewing on his lip nervously, before he huffs frustratedly at himself.

It’s just _Ryan_ damn it.

So he punches the number in, takes a deep breath, taps the “Call” button, and waits.

He taps his fingers nervously against the table -because no, he’s not drumming anymore, but he’s not going to just _stop_ \- and half hopes Ryan won’t pick up, or maybe Gabe gave him the wrong number, or mayb-

_“Hello?”_

Spencer swears he feels his heart stop.

“Uh..hi? Ryan?”

There’s nothing from the other end for several minutes, before Ryan speaks again, careful and guarded, the same way he spoke to Pete, before he signed them, the way he spoke to Jon the first few months, not wanting him to leave. The same way he’d talk about his dad. Spencer has _never_ been on the receiving end of that voice. He _hates_ it.

_“Hey Spencer! What’s...What’s up?”_

"Uh. Nothing really, I just...how are you?"

There's a sharp intake of breath on the other line.

_“I-I don’t really-why are you calling me?”_

Spencer shrugs, even though he knows Ryan can’t see him. “Dunno, I just….wanted to talk?”

Ryan sighs tiredly, _“I know you don’t ‘just want to talk’ Spencer, spit it out.”_

Spencer cringes, and tries to switch tactics. “Why are you even up now Ryan? It’s four in the morning.”

Ryan groans in frustration. _“That’s none of your fucking business Spencer, I don-”_

He stops, and Spencer hears rustling, then a soft voice he can't quite make out, then Ryan’s saying, _"It's nothing babe, I'll tell you in the morning, just go back to sleep."_ There’s a pause, then Ryan speaks again. _“No, it’s not a-no nightmares tonight, I promise.”_ Pause. _“I’m fine, I love you too.”_ And Spencer...Spencer’s startled. He had no idea Ryan was seeing anyone, and usually, someone -Gabe, Ryland, _someone_ \- will mention something, so he’s kind of known about all of Ryan’s girlfriends since the split. This one though. He has no idea who Ryan was talking to, and it’s unsettling.

There’s more of whoever it is speaking, Ryan making a confirming noise, then rustling, and a door closing. Ryan's silent again and all Spencer can hear is his breathing for a long minute, before he speaks again, this time quietly, and a little desperately.

_"You can’t do this to me Spencer. You can’t.”_

Spencer shakes his head in confusion. “Do _what_ Ryan? I’m not-I’m not doing anything I just….” He trails off, and Ryan huffs out a bitter laugh.

 _“Just what, Spencer? Because if you’re calling to-to settle your conscience before you like, get married, or something then I don’t want to hear it.”_ Spencer tries to interrupt, but Ryan keeps talking; and Spencer may not know Ryan anymore, but he remembers this, and he knows he won’t get a word in edgewise until Ryan’s exhausted his words, so he keeps quiet. _“Or if you’re calling to make sure you got the better end of the deal and I’m still a loser and a fuck up and anything else you could call me, then I really don’t want to hear it. I don’t need you to tell me shit I already know.”_

When Ryan finally goes silent, Spencer speaks, “You know I’m getting married?”

There’s silence from Ryan’s end, before Ryan huffs disbelievingly. _“Of course that’s what you got out of that.”_ He sighs, then speaks again, sounding dejected. _“Of course I know you’re getting married, you’re still my brother Spence.”_ Spencer inhales sharply, and Ryan must take it as a bad sign, because he continues rapidly, _“I-I mean, I know you’re not-you don’t consider me part of your family anymore and-”_ He pauses, and swallows, like he’s trying to keep himself under control, _“-and I get that, I do, but I still, I still care, and I want to know how you’re doing, especially after…”_ He pauses again, and sighs, before quietly adding, _“And, even if I didn’t want to know, your mom, she still calls and keeps me updated, and I-I think she cares and doesn’t want me to fee-I don’t even know why I’m telling you any of this.”_

Spencer blinks. He had no idea his mother was still talking to Ryan. Spencer just kind of figured everyone had cut ties. He’d also figured Ryan would have something to say -lord knows Ryan always does- but he didn’t think it would happen so fast. It takes Ryan forever to open up. Or it did anyway. A lot more has changed than he thought. Spencer sighs and rubs a hand over his face.

“Look Ry-I’m sorry. You’re right, I didn’t just-I did want to tell you I was, uh. Engaged, but….”

Ryan snorts. _“Yeah, some of us still pay attention to others’ well being y’know?”_

Spencer bristles. “Ryan-”

 _“No man, sorry, I get it, I wouldn’t pay attention to my well being if I wasn’t me either.”_ He says it completely casually, like it’s something he’s accepted. Spencer doesn’t know what to say to that, so he doesn’t acknowledge it.

“I don’t like, expect you to wish me well or anything like that, I just, I guess I just wanted you to know? It felt - _wrong, awful_ \- weird, not telling you.” Ryan’s silent again, and Spencer, he knows Ryan’s putting way too much thought into this. He’s trying to decide if Spencer’s just doing this out of guilt, or if someone dared him; he should know Spencer would never do that, but, well. It’s Ryan. Spencer shifts forward in his chair, and tries to put as much sincerity into his voice as he can. “Ryan, seriously, I wanted you to know because, I know I haven’t been there for you like I always said I would be-”

_“-I haven’t either Spence, don’t-”_

“-shut up Ryan, it’s my turn to talk.”

It isn’t until the sentence is out of his mouth that he realizes how them it is. How it’s something he’d have said six years ago when Ryan was rambling about something, and wouldn’t let Spencer have his say. It’s so _SpencerandRyan_ that he’s half terrified that Ryan’s going to hang up on him; but all Ryan does is let out an amused exhale.

_“Bossy much?”_

Spencer smiles, and shrugs. “Damn right I am.” He takes a breath, before continuing what he’d been saying, “So, like, I know I haven’t been there, and I’ve been an awful friend and I know we probably can’t have what we had before but. But I miss you Ry, and I-I want you at my wedding.”

He hears a loud clatter, and he starts frantically saying, “Ryan? Ry are you okay? Dude are you there?? Rya-” There’s a loud noise and then Ryan’s there again, breathing shakily. “Ryan wha-”

 _“Spencer you-you don’t-”_ There’s a sniff and Ryan-oh god Ryan’s _crying_. Spencer didn’t want to make Ryan cry, fuck this is not going how he planned it.

“Ryan don’t-oh my god don’t _cry_ , I’m sorry, whatever I said. _Shit_ I didn’t-”

_“No-No Spence you didn’t-I’m-I just didn’t expect that.”_

Of course he didn’t. Spencer wouldn’t have expected it either. To be honest, he hadn’t expected it until that moment really, hadn’t really been expecting this to go this well. It still breaks his heart though, _Ryan Ross_ , his best friend, well, ex best friend, who he’s known since he was old enough to form a friendship, didn’t expect to be invited to his _wedding_. Spencer’s more than determined to make sure Ryan knows he’s welcome, and he’ll be damned if Ryan doesn’t show up too.

“Well, you’re invited Ryan, I can’t-I can’t imagine a world where you wouldn’t be-” He bites his lip, considering, then continues, “-and you can bring your girlfriend too, if you want.”

Ryan lets out an awkward cough, and Spencer can hear movement, like he’s running his hand through his hair. _“Uh, yeah um. Actually I - about that-”_

Spencer sighs. So, not a girlfriend then. Ryan’s still doing the hook-up thing.

“Oh. Well, I heard-well, nevermind I just assumed-”

_“No! No no no you were right, I do have-it’s...I do have. Someone. Um. I have a boyfriend.”_

And. Okay. So that’s…..not what Spencer was expecting.

“Oh. _Oh_. I didn’t-he can come then, I don’t. I don’t care Ryan, if that’s what-I don’t care.” He swallows. “I want you there, and I want whoever it is that’s making you happy there with you.” Ryan doesn’t say anything, so Spencer quietly asks, “He is making you happy right?”

Ryan makes an incredulous noise. _“Oh god yeah; he’s-I’m happier than I think I’ve ever been.”_ He stops, takes a breath, then continues, _“I just hate-I wish....”_ He trails off, and Spencer hears him sniff, before he continues, voice watery, _“I’m just sorry we had to be apart for me to find that.”_

Spencer didn’t, god he didn’t expect their first conversation in, what? Four? Five years? To go like this. He expected yelling, or cursing, or even _no_ conversation. He didn’t expect Ryan to open up like this. Because his Ryan doesn’t open up like this. He’s all one word answers, and that’s if you’re lucky. Spencer’s Ryan opens up through his lyrics.

Spencer supposes he’s lost his Ryan, and has to find bits of him in this new, open Ryan.

“I’m sorry for that too Ry. It took that for me too, and I...I really hate that it came to that.” There’s silence on both ends, before Spencer speaks again, “So, who’s the lucky guy?” Ryan huffs a laugh, and there’s a muffled sound that Spencer knows is him wiping his eyes.

_“It’s uh, do you remember Dan Keyes?”_

Spencer’s eyebrows raise, and he laughs. “Are you serious?!” Ryan laughs too, and his voice is fond when he answers.

_“Yeah, he’s my giant.”_

“I really didn’t think you’d ever date any guys other than….well.” Spencer winces, and silently curses himself; but Ryan only hums thoughtfully.

 _“I didn’t really know to be honest, I think at that point I thought it was just Brendon y’know?”_ He chuckles softly, _“I finally figured it out though,”_ He sounds genuinely happy, and Spencer knows he’s smiling. _“and I’m happy, it’s all I’ve ever wanted Spence, and I can’t believe I have it. And I’m glad you’ve found Linda, you really deserve it, and-”_ He pauses. _“-for what it’s worth? I’m so, so sorry I couldn’t be there for you during, the-the addiction and...stuff.”_

Spencer smiles fondly, that’s the Ryan he knows.

“Ry it’s-I mean it’s not _okay_ but...it was a. A bad time. Even Brendon, he couldn’t-” Spencer sighs, and runs his fingers through his hair. “There was nothing anyone could have done, it had to be me. It’s not on you alright? I don’t want you feeling guilty over shit you couldn’t have helped anyway, I’m a big boy Ry, my issues are no one’s fault but mine.”

He knows Ryan won’t be happy with it, Ryan would find a way to blame himself for the assassination of Abraham Lincoln if he felt like he had to.

Eventually, Ryan sighs, _“Yeah. Alright, just….you’re okay now, right?”_

“Yeah Ry, I’m okay now.”

There’s a heavy silence, then Ryan’s voice comes through the speaker, small and nervous.

_“You still-I’m still invited to your wedding, right?”_

Spencer’s confused. “Well obviously, why would I change my mind?”

 _“I don’t know. I just can’t believe I’m actually talking to you I guess.”_ His voice is carefully nonchalant, even though he knows Spencer can tell the difference. _“I really didn’t think I’d ever get to talk to again, honestly.”_

“You’re glad we are though, right?”

 _“Oh fuck yes! Dude I’ve missed you so much, I can’t-I really really really have.”_ Spencer’s about to reply, but then there’s thudding coming from Ryan’s end, and Ryan’s talking to Dan, though Spencer can’t make out what he’s saying. A moment later, there’s silence, then Ryan’s speaking into the phone again.

 _“Sorry about that, Dan worries, and it is kinda late…”_ He pauses, then cautiously continues, _“If, if you wanted, maybe we could meet up for coffee? Or something? Only if you want to though!”_ He stops, and Spencer’s quick to reply, because the last thing he wants is Ryan thinking he hates him yet.

“Hell yeah we can! Tomorrow maybe? If you’re not busy.” He swears he can feel Ryan relaxing.

_“Yeah Spence, that’s sounds great. Um so, goodnight?”_

Spencer smiles. “Okay, I’ll text you when I wake up, so we can figure out where and stuff, goodnight Ry.”

Neither of them hangs up, and they both start giggling after a few minutes. When they calm down, Ryan speaks.

_“Tomorrow?”_

Spencer nods determinedly. “Tomorrow.”

They both hang up a minute later, and when Spencer gets to bed, Linda is waiting for him, smiling softly.

“How’d it go babe?”

Spencer grins at her as he climbs into bed. “It went so, so much better than I thought it would.”

“I told you it would didn’t I?”

“You did, you were right, as always.”

“Damn straight.”

Spencer turns his light off, and they both curl up into each other. 

That night, Spencer gets the best nights sleep he’s had in years.


End file.
